I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
