I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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