i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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