I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
