Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
