ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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