No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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