I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
