I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
