I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
