Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
