found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
