Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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