I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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