i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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