if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize