Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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