My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize