Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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