I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
