Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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