I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
