I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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