he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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