i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
