She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
