you have to choose: penises or morals?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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