i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
