My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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