no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize