On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
