I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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