She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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