I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
