i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
