Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
