The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
