I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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