dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
