sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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