New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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