I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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