I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
