hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
