Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
