i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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