so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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