I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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