Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Actions speak louder than pants.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize