I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Pants are for mortals
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
