My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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