My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
