i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
