Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
pop tarts are not kleenex
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
