Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
