Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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