I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
